so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
