If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize