When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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