How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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