the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
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Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
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Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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