You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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