i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
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Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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