just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
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I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
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He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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