Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
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He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
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Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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