I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
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The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
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Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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