she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
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Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
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I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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