I'm laying in your front yard are you home
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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