so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
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I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
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I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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