explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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