I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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