The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
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I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
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She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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