I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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