Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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