I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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