Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
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I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
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Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i think i just lost a toe
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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