Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Your penis caused this!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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