So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize