The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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