how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I have demons in me.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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