just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
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