Screwed.edu
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My balls are so social today.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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