what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
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My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
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We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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