like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
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Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
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who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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