so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
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I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
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Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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