WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
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I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
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I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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