So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
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Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
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And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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