Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
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i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
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P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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