I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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