We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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