i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize