Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
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just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
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Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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