I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
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Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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