so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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