if i can run in heels then i can drive
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
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You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
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My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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