Apparently you make a good broom.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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