I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
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I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
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It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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