i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
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I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
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She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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