I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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