i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
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Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
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It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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