I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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