well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
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We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
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the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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