and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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