Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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