Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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