how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
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Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
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after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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